Everything you want to know about me…
Through recent events, I feel the need to clear up things. I barely know any of you on this site. Yet, to find myself, I feel it necessary to open up to the world.
This is not some random publicity stunt, or some way of getting attention… I couldn’t care less if no one read it at all.
I’m very very tall… I’m 6’9”… and with height, comes expectations. Expectations are a big part of my life. All through my pitiful existance, I’ve had millions of things expected of me, especially due to my height.
I’m far from being a regular person. My feelings go deeper than many have known, and with the way my mind works, I think far more than many others. I feel things greatly, pain, agony, anger, hatred, sadness, and so forth. So when you cut me, I don’t only bleed, I bleed all over. I beat myself up for no apparent reason (to you) and for a very long time.
I used to be a cutter… I sliced not for the attention and pity parties of the random public, but because the feeling of punishing myself where others have not punished myself, was satisfying. Around the same time, I was diagnosed with many ridiculous mental disorders… those which I believe have become far beyond dormant. Therefore, I have regained my sanity, and with this, I have gained a broad understanding for the way the world works.
I am a very romantic person. Simply discussing sex does not please me like other pathetic men on this planet. The touch, the interactions, the entwined feelings presented, and all others intrigue me and force me to beg for more. I enjoy relationships to an extreme… so far to say that they are one of the biggest parts of my life. Even simple human interaction keeps me going further than I ever would. The gears of my mind, twisting at unbelievable speeds, trying to understand people.
Yet, at the same time, I find a sanctuary within my own mind… not because I am psycho, but because alone I can think very very clearly, and begin to rifle through the information recently gained, and I analyze every memory until it is bone dry.
I am unreliable. You cannot expect much of me, as the extreme pressure of expectations in my life have caused me to mold into a barely breachable shell… and a very stubborn man. I hear what you want, and want to please you, yet the need for me to rebel your requests is so great that I surprise even myself with my lack of reliability.
I am very irrational… and will choose a seemingly insane course of action before considering all other options… but this is only when something has weighed heavily on something very dear to me. In many situations, I am highly capable of fast, effective decision making.
I am a fucking waste. If you choose to learn about me, beyond the ‘acquaintance’ level, you will learn that everything I chase is utterly unacceptable to most. I am a musician, I am an artist. Everything I do, I consider art, and you would too. And in this art, I am skilled… however, due to my lack of constant attentiveness, I will fail. And as soon as I fail, I find it more challenging to jump back into it. Very very hard to explain…
In other words, the potential I have, and ability to do plenty of other things do not appeal to me. I need that complexity… I need the almost guaranteed failure in order for me to want to carry on. Simply doing something I am good at will not please me to any extent. So, if you grow frustrated with my failures, it is useless to complain to me about the matter… as it will not strike me in any way… and will hardly hurt me, regardless of the words you use.
I am a victim to the very terrible, unthinkable things that circulate this earth… and almost identically, I am one that has been involved in many terrible things. Here, I am not saying I am a rapist, a murderer, etc… I am saying I have fell prey to the many sins that are presented to us. We do have a say in the matter, and your decision will change the rest of your life.
I’m almost lost on what else to say… as reading over the above things have struck even myself. More to come when I regain composure…
